In these years is I decided to commit my energy full-time to being part of what seemed to be a true spiritual undertaking. I chose to have 0 materialistic goals, offering myself to Life, so to speak.
This was a period on intense growth for me, particularly in expressing myself as one who has spiritual notions and perception given to me in my life and struggles; speaking up in front of people was my #1 hurdle. I had to battle my social anxieties to feel permitted in myself to speak up and out. Luckily this church encouraged attendees to express themselves after and during some services.
I eventually became a member of the “service team”, speaking extemporaneously at the services I offered..
Poems of mine published by church go around the world to church members on 5 continents, which seemed important at the time as success in my spiritual expressive abilities.
I also weekdays milk cows, drive tractors, do acres of lawn mowing, plant and tend to acres of flowers and hay and pumpkins. Plus lots, and lots of chainsawing for winter heating. Create unique furniture pieces for the house. Build a greenhouse for hydroponic gardening and flower drying, from large panes of recycled donated glass. Take part in building new farm office and apartments, root cellar, and barn.
I feel an immersion between consciousness, others, and the natural universe of being. It was profoundly embracing to the whole emotionally, to be tending to function activities during church gatherings, particularly multi-day events. I could look for loose ends (wash dishes for hours) or something that would make the occasion more impressionable. While on days I was a presenter, when working, meditating on what I was doing and how I was when doing it, this put a lot of focus on my own reality and how honest it was, meaning where I was not truthful as well, truthful to what I claim as a person to be.
(OK. More on this sort of bragging(?). I get to do that on my pages no matter how it can put people off, because this site, my blog, is in part a chronicle on one persons actual experiences and feelings both good and bad and off color, regardless of readers or societies social considerations of what should be governing expression. If you have had a hard life, I would suggest being glad at surprising triumphs, no matter how seemingly mundane. I am. –A small note is part of a song.)
On one such gathering day, a person who I had not known was visiting from another state for a weekend event. Various balls were being thrown around at an afternoon break, so I indicated to him to throw me the football; I took off running away. I pretended to be in retreat from a defensive onslaught. Back and back I went until I was at least 150 feet away. The guy shouts out to me; “Where are you going?!” One last zig and dodge, I jump up, turn in the air and throw him a perfect soaring spiral, he reaches up and grabs. I go off down the long drive to check on field matters.
At dinner he comes up to me and says; “So which college did you quarterback at?” “None.”; I say. “So you were the high school football star!” ‘No. I didn’t play football anywhere.” He just shook his head. I turned from him and went away to the dinner line, I am no “sports geek”.
Last, but not least for now; challenge church and its officials on the reality checking of practicing what we preach, and its aversions to facing the common emotional issues all individuals face as members of the human race. Question contradictory practices of the church and its described mission.
on the road to the farm office and cow pastures. A barn and Kubota tractor in background.
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