If you happen to win an Olympic Gold Medal, remember to send it in in one of those melt down your gold envelopes!

At Gold-R-US, you will have real cash for your airfare home. Plus, if your team wins one, send it in as well, since a team is a kind of socialist organization and who needs that anyway. Be American for heaven sake!

So be proud. Join our fellow individual citizens at the golden victory of your own personal gain. And while you are there, look for any other heirlooms you have.

Here at Gold-R-US, gold in your hands becomes cold hard cash! Memories will melt away eventually anyway. You might as well get some real benefit by melting the gold while you still can!

Don’t let sentimentality or nationalism corrode your individual self respect! A gold medal may last forever on a shelf in some old dusty case, but you won’t!

Join the global meltdown now, before it’s too late!

Remember. Your gold strike is worth nothing until the cash is in your own hands!

And by the way. Since everyone does not try out for the Olympics, you never do know if you are actually the best in the world anyway. Remember to have some perspective on your always conditional First Place Victory!

Now prove to yourself you are the real winner! Send that Gold Medal to us now!

Your loss will be our gain!


This has been another fake commercial. Any resemblance to anything real is strictly coincidental.

No animals were injured in the production of this commercial, unless one flew into a power-line in the power grid while it was made or something.